SASKATOON (SBP) — Screams of utter terror resonated throughout the streets of Saskatoon last weekend after a heartless group of individuals broke up the “Occupy Saskatoon” protest by offering the protesters jobs. The impromptu job fair quickly dispersed 99% of the protesters while 1% stayed to listen to the potential career opportunities.

“In the name of sweet Gaia, SAVE US FROM THESE EVIL CORPORATIONS!” screamed an ‘Occupy’ Protester as he tweeted and facebooked the developments on his iPhone, “This is police state genocidal welfare warfare global warming George Bush!”

Many of the protesters scattered at the first sight of “THE MAN”, some of them dropping their digital cameras, video cameras, iPhones, iPods, iPads and various other cell phones. What was not dropped, however, were bags of weed, hackeysacks and bongo drums.

“We have our priorities,” said a fleeing Occupy protester as she desperately clung to her Eddie Bauer bag, “My parents can always buy me a new phone or camera but you just can’t put a price on some good weed. Now, let’s get the hell out of here before I’m given some responsibilities!”

Many of the prospective employers at the Impromptu Job Fair were puzzled by the scattering of 99% of the protesters.

“I’m offering good money here. You just have to work for it.” said a rep from a Saskatoon construction company, “I thought this would be the perfect place to get someone who would be willing to work full time. I mean, these guys planned to be here for a long time and I assumed that meant they were needing work. I thought I would help them out. Why are they running away?”

The Occupy Saskatoon protest was scheduled to start at 9am. But, through a series of consensus building committee meetings complete with hand signals, the protesters decided that Occupy Saskatoon would be best accomplished when they woke up around noon. It was then that the evil business owners of the city descended and dispersed the crowd with their brand of human rights violating capitalism.

“It was like, they wanted me to work, man! Like, do stuff in exchange for money! Money is what trust funds are for!” shrieked an Occupy protester as he shook with terror, “Dude, what is this thing called ‘work’? I’m scared! Why isn’t the government saving me from this?”

Potential employers continued to reach out to Occupy Saskatoon.

“Unemployment is reaching an all time low in Saskatchewan,” said local businessman and Impromptu Job Fair exhibitor, Nathan Paxton, “And, as that happens, I’m having a harder time finding good people to work for me. I need help to keep my business running and will pay good money complete with benefits.”

While 1% of the Occupy protesters decided to stay back and consider life changing job offers, the other 99% who scattered are likely to occupy places like their parent’s basement. However, it is unlikely they will be found occupying things like a shower.

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