Nickelback To Unite Country’s Hatred at Grey Cup Half Time Show

VANCOUVER (SBP) — November is a special time of year in Canada. It is when the country gets together to celebrate the finale of the CFL season; the Grey Cup. No matter if people were fans or not of the league, the event seems to bring people from all parts of the country together in harmony for a great national institution.

This year, the country will be especially united when Canadian rock band Nickelback will be performing the half time show.

“Oh my God, me and my friends hate them so much!” said a Rider fan, “I don’t know a single person on the planet who likes them!”

Upon hearing that comment, a Bomber fan came rushing to the Rider fan’s side and said, “I thought Bomber fans were the only ones who hated Nickelback. Come here! Give me a hug.”

The two fans embraced like they had never been rivals in the first place.

“How the hell this band placed in the top 15 performing acts of the past decade is beyond me,” remarked a Ti-Cat fan with an “Argos Suck!” button on his lapel, “Where are these ‘fans’ who support them? How the hell often can you hear the same song with different titles over and over again?”

Argo fans came rushing over and put their arms around the Ti-Cat fans and said, “Holy shit, we never knew you hated them too! That’s the real reason why us Argo fans hated you. We thought you actually liked them!”

Ti-Cat and Argo fans then had a magical moment of conversing for the first time in decades and finding out that they really weren’t all that different.

“It’s so beautiful,” said an Alouette bystander as she wiped away a tear, “I honestly thought they’d never get along. All those wasted years.”

Hailing from Hanna, Alberta, Nickelback have been quietly uniting the country with each successive formulaic album. With each newly released limited range track, the band has all but saturated the “getting drunk, stoned and having sex with prostitutes” genre. While the band has made millions of dollars, nobody in Canada has ever admitted to being a fan.

“When every online dating profile specifically requests ‘NO NICKELBACK FANS’, you know the band has made an impact on Canadian culture,” said a BC Lions fan, “I’ve heard rumors that the Edmonton Eskimos pipe that music into the opposing team’s dressing room before games so they can get an advantage.”

“They do NOT!” yelled an Eskimo fan, “We might be the Evil Empire but, we aren’t that evil!”

While Nickelback will be uniting the country at the Grey Cup halftime show, it is expected they will still be better live than the studio dependent Black Eyed Peas.