“Merry Christmas” Gang Terrorizes Generic Holiday Shoppers


Some of the shocking imagery Christmas Rebels have been exposing to the public.

SASKATOON (SBP) – A social scourge visited the hub city this week when a group of unarmed terrorists verbally assaulted generic holiday shoppers at various markets around the city. The verbal assaults centered on one malicious phrase.

“They told me to have a Merry Christmas,” a shaken Jane Prosaic said as she choked back tears of trauma, “I just can’t believe the insensitivity of those bastards! I feel like my long-held, fragile beliefs were completely and utterly threatened just by that phrase.

“I almost lost everything that I believe in in that single moment of horror.”

With recent moves toward a more politically sensitive society of the past two decades, it has become more intolerant to utter faith specific phrases during the nationally observed generic holiday season. All in the name of tolerance.

“Yes, I realize it is an internationally observed time of year,” said generic holiday shopper Joe Banal, “But declaring peace on earth and good will toward men is just taking things a little too far.”

The “Merry Christmas Gang”, as they are called, have been spotted at several shopping centres in Saskatoon over the past two weeks. The worst of the incidents happened at the Midtown Plaza where a gang of five of the Merry Christmas Gang walked happily through the mall singing menacing Christmas carols and uttering the offensive “Merry Christmas” phrase over and over in front of men, women and children.

“For the love of…Earth,” an anonymous generic shopper yelled, careful not to refer to a deity, “someone please stop them! We have to think of how this is going to affect the children! Gift giving? Thinking of others? This has to be stopped!”

Saskatoon police have taken the matter seriously and are asking the public to provide any information that will lead to the arrest of the insensitive faith specific gang.

“Anyone with a nativity scene on their front lawn is a suspect!” declared a bulletin released by the Saskatoon City Police.

A citywide person hunt has taken place and City Police are confident the Merry Christmas Gang will be caught before the 25th of December because, “After that, it becomes almost impossible to catch these human rights violating bastards until next year at this time.”

In an unrelated story, Saskabush wishes all its readers a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Winter Solstice, and Happy New Year. For those without some form of faith, Saskabush hopes you have a relaxing and safe 4-day weekend near the end of the month.