REGINA (SBP) \u2013 Regina residents were greatly relieved when city council announced they would be saving millions of dollars in their snow removal budget by extending an invite to someone who will clear the snow forever and ever; Global Warming.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was thrilled when Mayor Fiacco extended the offer to work with the city,\u201d said Global Warming, clasping an ice burg in it’s hands, instantly turning it into steam, \u201cUsually, I’m working long hours for Big Oil so this is a nice change of pace.\u201d<\/p>\n
Global Warming’s role with the city is simple; clear snow clogged residential streets. The City of Regina, a notoriously lax community when it comes to residential snow removal, has sought many solutions to it’s sagging reputation.<\/p>\n
“Well, we tried the ‘let’s see if they notice we didn’t clean their streets’ approach and that didn’t work,\u201d said a Regina City Councilor, \u201cWe then tried reminding people that spring was just around the corner and, for some reason, that wasn’t satisfactory. We’ve essentially run out of ideas.\u201d<\/p>\n
Road crews, to their credit, do clean the main thoroughfares in the city within hours of a heavy snowfall.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh yeah, it’s real easy to clean the main streets and avenues after a big snowfall,\u201d said a city worker as he plowed Albert Street, \u201cThese streets are all nice and quiet because no vehicle can get out of the residential areas. It’s pretty sweet not having to deal with all that traffic.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don’t know why anyone’s complaining. Everything looks fine to me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Global Warming was actually supposed to commence the job in 1998 but then it’s anticipated start date was pushed back 15 years from a high profile year in 2006. Now, due to ongoing negotiations, Global Warming could start cleaning the residential streets in 30 years, or 20 years, or 5 years or 100 years.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt’s really hard to actually pin-point a start date,\u201d said Global Warming, \u201cCity councilors are peer reviewing my contract and I’m sure they’ll reach a histrionic consensus soon.\u201d<\/p>\n
One of the stumbling blocks on hiring Global Warming is that it’s legal name keeps changing. This makes adding the phenomenon to the payroll particularly difficult. Some of the aliases Global Warming has employed include \u201cGlobal Cooling\u201d, \u201cThe Coming Ice Age\u201d, \u201cClimate Change\u201d, \u201cClimate Disruption\u201d, \u201cClimate Catastrophe\u201d, and \u201cGlobal Apocalyptic Weather Armageddon\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cSome people have requested a background check,\u201d said a City Councilor, \u201cThey have some questions over the many aliases that Global Warming has gone by. They claim it’s like Global Warming is trying to hide some deep dark secret.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut, we’ve shouted those deniers down because, as far as we are concerned, the issue is settled.\u201d<\/p>\n
While residents wait for Global Warming to start, they are instructed to stockpile carbon credits until the residential streets are cleared.<\/p>\n
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