Ex-Premier Attacked By Wolves During Consolation Speech

SASKATOON (SBP) – During his concession speech after losing the election, outgoing Premier Lorne Calvert was unexpectedly attacked by the very wolves he cried about around-the-clock during the provincial election. The attack came as a shock to over 52% of the voting electorate who had ceased to believe him.

“Now, who would have seen that coming?” said businessman Josh Larson as he watched the attack on television, “The man just kept crying ‘WOLF WOLF!’ all the time and I just got tired of it. I mean, come on, I was getting fatigued by all the fear. I’m sure a little over half the province was sick of it.”

Continued Larson, “Hmmm…there really were wolves out there, waiting to attack. How about that?”

The speech started off unceremoniously like many others Calvert gave. It all appeared to be anti-business as usual.

“Tommy Douglas, Grant Devine, Tommy Douglas Tommy Douglas,” said the outgoing premier during his speech prior to the attack, “Grant Devine, Grant Devine, and let me say it one more time: Tommy Douglas.”

It was shortly after Calvert’s 23rd mention of Tommy Douglas and 32nd reference to Grant Devine that wolves raced to the stage and jumped the former Premier. Most shocking of all was the lack of response by the attendees of the NDP election rally.

“I would have helped Comrade Lorne,” said government-type union leader Robert Bowman as he watched the attack mere feet from the action, “but it’s not anywhere listed in my job description. I can’t do a thing about it but sit here, eat doughnuts, drink coffee, and collect a pay check.

“My only other option would be to go on strike and demand more money. And, we all know that takes time. I sure hope Comrade Lorne can find a way to fight off those wolves in the mean time.”

Added Bowman with a mouthful of doughnut: “Just like when we left the public to fend for themselves on icy winter highways last year, my hands are tied. Union rules.”

While Calvert was valiantly fighting off the wolves, there were non-union people in the crowd who also failed to respond.

“Woah, it’s like, that man is, like, you know…” said NDP supporter Candace Greychuk as she smoked a marijuana joint, “Something should be done about…dude, do you have any cheetos? I don’t have any grant money to buy some right now.”

It is not known whether any injuries were sustained in the wolf attack. It is expected that more information will come available as soon as nurses are hired in the province.