REGINA (SBP) – In order to offset budget shortfalls due to corruption and subsequent funding cuts, the Effin University of Canada is set to be converted into an Effin Casino.  While the education portion of the Effin University will remain intact, the priorities of what to teach will change in order to accommodate the facility’s new direction.
 
“I think the students will find a veritable keno board of exciting new classes to choose from,” said the new president of the Effin Casino University of Canada, “We are also proud that we have now positioned the school with proven revenue streams.  This will stack the odds in the student’s favour that this school/casino won’t go bust at the end of this semester.”
 
Some new classes offered at the Effin Casino University of Canada include counting to 21, matching sevens, and learning how to properly change a 100 dollar bill in front of a pit boss.
 
“We are excited with the new direction of the Effin Casino University,” said the Effin President, “Gone are the days when we will have to rely on student tuition, government assistance, and creative bookkeeping to keep the place running.  Heck, maybe the executive board will even get to take legitimate trips to Hawaii without bankrupting the place!”
 
The new Effin institution will undergo some minor changes in order to be consistent with it’s new image.  For instance, the columns on either side of the entrance will be equipped with bright laser beams shooting skyward.  The building itself will take a page out of the MGM Grand and glow a bright green at night with a special paint and lighting system.  A projection unit will also proclaim  the building’s new purpose by emblazoning it across the night sky.
 
Last, but not least, the Effin building will be shooting off fireworks every half hour after sunset.  The cost of the fireworks will be $10,000 every half hour.
 
“Now, you may ask, where do we get the money for such renovations?” said the Effin President, “That’s a great Effin question!  Well, once we get a parade of senior bus tours coming to the Effin place to spend a few bucks, the money will just start pouring in.
 
“The Effin renovations should really take less than a year before they are paid off.”
 
Future plans for Effin Casino University include an inexpensive buffet and a nightly stage show.  While students attending the Effin building may have trouble studying with all the incessant noise of slot machines, the long term future of the Effin institution is now secure.
 
“Did I mention the laser beams can be seen from space?” said the Effin president, “That’s just so Effin cool!
 
“And, before I forget, Effin education is first and foremost in our minds.”

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