City To Rely On Global Warming For Residential Snow Removal

REGINA (SBP) – Regina residents were greatly relieved when city council announced they would be saving millions of dollars in their snow removal budget by extending an invite to someone who will clear the snow forever and ever; Global Warming.

“I was thrilled when Mayor Fiacco extended the offer to work with the city,” said Global Warming, clasping an ice burg in it’s hands, instantly turning it into steam, “Usually, I’m working long hours for Big Oil so this is a nice change of pace.”

Global Warming’s role with the city is simple; clear snow clogged residential streets. The City of Regina, a notoriously lax community when it comes to residential snow removal, has sought many solutions to it’s sagging reputation.

“Well, we tried the ‘let’s see if they notice we didn’t clean their streets’ approach and that didn’t work,” said a Regina City Councilor, “We then tried reminding people that spring was just around the corner and, for some reason, that wasn’t satisfactory. We’ve essentially run out of ideas.”

Road crews, to their credit, do clean the main thoroughfares in the city within hours of a heavy snowfall.

“Oh yeah, it’s real easy to clean the main streets and avenues after a big snowfall,” said a city worker as he plowed Albert Street, “These streets are all nice and quiet because no vehicle can get out of the residential areas. It’s pretty sweet not having to deal with all that traffic.

“I don’t know why anyone’s complaining. Everything looks fine to me.”

Global Warming was actually supposed to commence the job in 1998 but then it’s anticipated start date was pushed back 15 years from a high profile year in 2006. Now, due to ongoing negotiations, Global Warming could start cleaning the residential streets in 30 years, or 20 years, or 5 years or 100 years.

“It’s really hard to actually pin-point a start date,” said Global Warming, “City councilors are peer reviewing my contract and I’m sure they’ll reach a histrionic consensus soon.”

One of the stumbling blocks on hiring Global Warming is that it’s legal name keeps changing. This makes adding the phenomenon to the payroll particularly difficult. Some of the aliases Global Warming has employed include “Global Cooling”, “The Coming Ice Age”, “Climate Change”, “Climate Disruption”, “Climate Catastrophe”, and “Global Apocalyptic Weather Armageddon”.

“Some people have requested a background check,” said a City Councilor, “They have some questions over the many aliases that Global Warming has gone by. They claim it’s like Global Warming is trying to hide some deep dark secret.

“But, we’ve shouted those deniers down because, as far as we are concerned, the issue is settled.”

While residents wait for Global Warming to start, they are instructed to stockpile carbon credits until the residential streets are cleared.