Zombies File Human Rights Complaint Over Negative Portrayal

FUTURE APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND (SBP) — They stumbled along the sidewalks looking for their precious sustenance. Some didn’t speak. Others just growled or said one thing over and over. They only wanted the one thing that was in those houses lining the streets. And, they were hell-bent on getting all they could. They all looked inhuman, evil…and were incredibly insensitive to the feelings of those who were castoffs from society; the undead.

“Ungh ahh rrrr shhh,” said an angry Zombie as she pointed at the children whose Halloween costumes were a mockery of her lifestyle. She then drooled and shed goo from her eyes that might have been aged coagulated tears. She moaned and, to ease the societal torture of her soulless being, she then attempted to lovingly rip out the intestines of a living passerby. The passerby screamed and ran away; just like all the others.

Such is the inner pain of the Zombie, mocked by a culture that hates them. Lampooned in movies that don’t understand them. They are discriminated against and living people fear them. Though they amble along in packs, it is the far reaching loneliness of society’s rejection that hurts them the most.

“This has been the greatest tragedy of inhumankind,” said Jack Michaels, lawyer representing the Zombies in a class action lawsuit filed with the Canadian Human Rights Commission, “People seem to forget that Zombies were once people too and deserve all the rights and freedoms that living people have.

“We have kids dressed as Zombies like it was some sort of game.” continued Michaels, “It’s culturally insensitive to think of the living challenged as monsters.

“It is evident to me that there are monsters in this country and truly, we are those monsters.”

With the Canadian Human Right Commission lawsuit, the Zombies hope to bring respect to their cultural ways and, be allowed to integrate into society so they can consume the brains of the living just like everyone else.

“This truly is an unusual case,” said a CHRC Judge, “But we automatically ruled in favor of the Zombies. Their hurt feelings supersede the fact that they will bring about the collapse of society, leaving only pockets of humanity to fend for themselves in a post apocalyptic wasteland.”

“Look at the culturally insensitive costumes out there,” said another CHRC Judge, “For example; Zombie sluts? Doesn’t anyone know that Zombies don’t have sex because their genitals have advanced decomposition? Wouldn’t you feel hurt if someone mocked your lack of reproductive ability? It’s racism, pure and simple.

“The only costume that we didn’t find offensive was Zombie Jesus. That one was perfectly okay in our ruling.”

In order to appease the Zombies, Canadians caught wearing the culturally offensive costume next Halloween will be brought to a Human Rights Tribunal and fined heavily without the option of defending themselves. They may also be sentenced to Zombie sensitivity training like buying Apple products or holding “Occupy” signs in city parks.