Lingenfelter Overrun By Avalanche, Missing

REGINA (SBP) — NDP Leader Dwain Lingenfelter is missing and presumed buried after an avalanche swept through Regina’s Douglas Park Monday night. Search parties have been dispatched to recover the vaunted party leader. So far, to no avail.

“We’ve been scrambling, trying to find him,” said a frantic NDP supporter, “Dwain? Dwain! Where are you?”

The avalanche remains a mystery to those close to Lingenfelter as there are no hills high enough in Douglas Park to swamp anyone in copious amounts of snow. However, much of the public foresaw the event.

“It’s obvious to us that Mr. Lingenfelter didn’t see this coming and was caught off guard by the warning signs.” said a prairie mountaineer, “Usually, an avalanche of this magnitude starts off with groans and, then, once there are enough what we call ’eye rolls’, the wheels are set in motion.

“Once this happens, you have two choices; get out of the way or be buried in the onslaught. Obviously, Mr. Lingenfelter chose the latter and is now missing.”

It has been a rough few weeks for Dwain Lingenfelter. Two weeks ago, Lingenfelter had to receive medical attention for a hairline fracture on his ankle after falling off an unstable union-built platform (SEE RELATED STORY).

“That could be the reason why Mr. Lingenfelter couldn’t get out of the way of the avalanche.” said an onlooker, “Had he had a better platform to stand on a couple of weeks ago, he might not have injured his ankle and might still be standing with us today.”

Rescue workers have had a hard time finding the provincial NDP leader since the incident. Many rescue workers have noted that, had this missing person been the former leader, Lorne Calvert, the search would have completed by now.

Said a rescue worker: “If Mr. Lingenfelter was right about Mr. Calvert, it would be so much easier to see someone in the snow who’s redder than a baboon’s ass.”

Also hampering the rescue effort has been communication between the Department of Highways and it’s workers. Road crews have yet to work on the avalanche as they have a standing order to prepare for strike action during a crisis.

“Usually, when someone’s in peril, we’re told to stand down.” said a Department of Highways worker, “Our union heads say that, when things like this happen, it’s a ‘window of opportunity’ for some reason.

“So, if Mr. Lingenfelter is in there somewhere, he’s gonna have to wait until we get the ‘all clear’ from our shop stewards to step up and help. Sorry, Dwain!”

Once Lingenfelter is found and uncovered, he will likely be transported to Alberta where some oil companies are expected to rehabilitate and revive him.