Smilin Hank Buggers Off To NFL

GREEN BAY, WI (SBP) — Fans of the Saskatchewan Roughriders were devastated this past week when it was announced that their star quarterback buggered off to the glitz, glamour, and slower paced action of the National Football League. The star quarterback, nicknamed “Smilin Hank” because of his wads of American money in his back pocket, signed a three-year deal with the Green Bay Packers. Smilin Hank’s duties will include dressing for regular season games, holding a clipboard, and wearing an NFL licensed ball cap.

Smilin Hank’s reasons for leaving the Roughriders include money, cash, greed, and American currency.

“I was also tired of the pass-happy CFL anyway,” said Smilin Hank, an American born quarterback who pretty much proved he has no loyalty for the faster Canadian brand of football, “I like the idea of handing the ball off 40 times a game rather than throwing it all the time. Hey, a guy’s arm gets tired when you’re playing a more wide-open brand of football. Give me the slower game any day!”

Smilin Hank, a gifted passing and running quarterback who is better suited for the faster Canadian game, opted to turn his back on Rider fans and sign with Green Bay. Betrayed fans of Smilin Hank will be able to see the turncoat player in action on television as he relays signals on the sidelines from Green Bay’s head coach to Green Bay’s starting quarterback. His total TV time will vary from game to game depending on how many times Green Bay’s starting quarterback opts to have a chat with the coach on the sidelines and Smilin Hank happens to be listening in on the discussion.

“I can’t wait to see Smilin Hank dole out those hand signals from the sidelines,” said an ecstatic Roughrider fan, “That guy can move his hands with the best of them!”

“It is sure going to be great to see Smilin Hank in a very clean Green Bay uniform,” said another beaming Rider fan, “Not everyone can be a star while they hold a clipboard and see no regular season action unless the game’s a blowout.”

Meanwhile, Smilin Hank took the time to thank the Riders and their fans just before he officially turned his back on them and left them to twist in the wind.

“I would like to thank the Saskatchewan Roughrider organization for the chance to play and compile a video highlight package that I could shop around to all the NFL teams,” said Smilin Hank, “This move to come up here and take up a roster spot ahead of a Canadian-born player has truly allowed me to limit my stay in Canada to as short as humanly possible. Now I can go back to the United States and make real money doing nothing more than standing on the sidelines wearing NFL approved merchandise for 16 regular season games.”

“It has truly been an honour to contribute to the name-recognition and stability problem in the CFL.”

Smilin Hank’s move to the NFL has come as a shock to many betrayed Rider fans as the star player had promised to stay with the Saskatchewan Roughriders until the team won a championship.

“I’m not a math genius or anything,” offered betrayed Rider fan Mark Maginty, “but a 5-13 record without a playoff birth really doesn’t count as a championship around here. Maybe it does in the states where Smilin Hank grew up but not here.”

“I did win a championship,” countered Smilin Hank, “I accomplished a personal championship as I was voted MVP of the team. I beat out 40 other guys for that championship. So, you can see, my word is good.”

Without a star player like Smilin Hank in the lineup, the Roughriders are in a difficult situation. It will be very challenging to find another American born quarterback to temporarily star with the team and then eventually bugger off on such short notice.

Meanwhile, top Canadian university players, who are dying to play in the CFL, are overlooked because they are just “too darned loyal” and “too willing to play their entire careers in Canada.”

“Yeah, the CFL isn’t about name recognition and solid foundation,” said one CFL general manager, “we’re more about quick-fix American talent so we can prop up the NFL through defections.”

Smilin Hank starts his sideline-watching career in September.