Toronto In Rehab After Failed Olympic Bid

REHAB CLINIC (SBP) – After wasting many years and blowing over 20 million dollars on the drug called “International Recognition”, the city of Toronto finally admitted itself into a rehabilitation clinic after finally hitting rock bottom. Losing an Olympic bid for the second time in 12 years finally forced the “world class city” to take a hard look at itself, admit it had a problem, and seek help.

“I was the center of the universe,” sobbed the forlorn Toronto as it sat on a white bench in a pristine courtyard at an undisclosed rehab center, “I thought everyone loved me. And, who cared if I noticed them or loved them back.”

Toronto then put its pale, despondent face into it’s frail, shaking hands and wept uncontrollably.

“I think we should leave Toronto alone right now,” advised Doctor Montreal, a world respected practitioner who showed off his certificate for hosting the Summer Olympic games in 1976, “Toronto has had a very tough and humbling time. It needs rest. Lots of rest.”

Toronto’s psychologist, none other than 1988 Winter Olympian Doctor Calgary, explained how they found the distraught city.

“After losing the Olympic bid to China, Toronto had gone on an all night drinking binge in a classic case of escapism,” said Dr. Calgary, who received an award from the International Olympic Committee for hosting the “best ever” Winter Olympic games, “Myself and Dr. Montreal will be keeping a close eye on this depressed city and give them a reassuring pat on the back when it needs it.

“Toronto just needs some love right now.”

Both Dr. Calgary and Dr. Montreal admitted they “haven’t a clue” what Toronto feels like. But, both of them assured they’ll “try [their] best to understand”.

Meanwhile, young intern by the name of Whistler Vancouver found an upside to Toronto’s misfortune.

“Like, y’know, dude! I just got a letter from the International Olympic Committee saying I’m pretty much, like totally, going to host the Winter Olympics in the future!” shouted Whistler Vancouver gleefully, “I mean I know it’s bummers about T.O., the Big Smoke, Hogtown not getting the Olympic games in two tries. And, I’m sure it sucks for them that everyone else getting it on their first try. But, let’s look at the positives; namely, me!


Toronto’s rehabilitation is expected to take years or until the “world class” city lands an NFL team as a consolation for two failed Olympic bids.