Groundhog Doesn’t See Shadow, Packs Up And Moves To Alberta

BALGONIE (SBP) — In a not so unfamiliar turn of events, Saskatchewan’s famous groundhog, Balgonie Bob, followed the footsteps of so many Saskatchewanians by waking up, not getting scared of his shadow, and deciding to move to Alberta. The move comes a full 24 hours before the official Groundhog Day ceremonies.

“I just couldn’t take the same old routine anymore,” said Balgonie Bob as he rode a bus to Calgary to seek a new and better life, “In the summer, it’s eat, listen to stories about the farm crisis, hear Rider fans bitch about their shitty team, and, most of all, listening to people – including myself – whine about how they should move to Alberta.

“Well, I’m done whining about it and now I’m doing it.”

Balgonie Bob, a longtime resident of Balgonie, has been the bane of the province’s existence every February 2. Every year, with few exceptions, he has seen his shadow, gotten scared and gone back to his burrow. The move causes at least 6 more weeks of winter every year for the beleaguered province.

“Okay, people! Listen, yes, come a little closer, yes… closer… closer…” urged Balgonie Bob, “You live in FRICKEN SASKATCHEWAN! I have nothing to do with the 6 weeks of so-called ‘extra winter’. It’s normal for this province that you freeze your ass off 8 months of the year. Don’t blame me for wanting to go back to bed and sleep it off.

“Every year, it’s the same thing;” explained Balgonie Bob, “I come out of my hole, the tip of my nose freezes, I say ‘fuck this shit’ and go back to bed. It has nothing to do with a shadow. I just don’t like the cold.

“So, don’t get pissed off at me; blame mother nature. Or, better yet, blame yourselves for not moving to a warmer climate!”

Another reason for the groundhog’s move to Alberta include the fact that all of his friends and family have already moved there and have become successful beyond their wildest dreams. It has contributed to the groundhog’s loneliness and has created a sense of longing for community with like-minded animals.

“Well, that and the strip clubs serve alcohol,” said Balgonie Bob as he crossed the border into Alberta, “So long, suckers!”

Arrangements have not been made for a replacement animal to announce 6 more weeks of winter for Saskatchewan. Suggestions have included badgers or prairie dogs. That is assuming all of those animals haven’t moved to Alberta as well.