TORONTO (SBP) – In an attempt to offset the ratings ass-kicking they’ve received the past two weeks, the “Canadian-Type” of Broadcasting Corporation decided to go for broke on Sunday afternoon by showing a pornographic made-for-TV special. The special, entitled “The Beach Moaners” aired in the same time slot as the men’s Olympic Gold medal game between Canada and the USA.

“We normally wouldn’t have gone this route,” explained the Canadian Broadcasting president, “But, our ratings have been steadily declining for years due to the quality programming from other networks. And, we’ve been getting absolutely killed during the Winter Olympics. The only way you can fight quality programming is with sleaze.

“We had to do what we had to do.”

The “Beach Moaners” is a traditional x-rated homage to a long running TV series. The storyline centres around a young hot stud named Rick Adonis who has random hook ups at the local club, Molly’s Reach Around. He then takes them back to his yacht – affectionately named the “Pussephene” – where he engages in emotionally detached, hedonistic sex. Each encounter Adonis has concludes with him dropping off his conquest at the beach without paying for breakfast the next morning.

“Just think of it as ‘Bang Bus’ in a logging industry setting,” said Beach Moaners director, Ron Laremy.

The supporting cast includes Constable Constable who’s “bad bad to the bone bone” and an unshaven antagonist named Phallic who always tries to cock block Adonis’ game each episode.

“While we do make a small effort to develop some characters in the show, it’s not really the priority,” explained Laremy, “We basically follow the tradition of Canadian Broadcasting programming by sparing expense on set design, character development and story.”

Finished Laremy: “There’s only so much of the Broadcasting Corporation’s billion dollar budget to go around, you know.”

The Beach Moaners is a test pilot in a grander scheme for the state run network. The Canadian Broadcaster plans to have a “Money Shot Mondays” line up that will feature programs like “Barely Legal Anne of Green Gables”, “Pinned On My Back” and “This Hour Has 22 Minutes of Shagging”.

“It really is our last ditch effort to get some viewers,” said the network president, “The only successful shows we have on this network – Dragon’s Den and Hockey Night In Canada – have a decidedly capitalistic slant. Those shows fervently go against Mother Corps Liberal agenda and sense of entitlement.”

The Canadian Broadcaster hopes that the “Money Shot Monday” lineup will salvage the parasitic image of the network. It also hopes to generate enough ratings for people to recognize the next Canadian Broadcaster personality in line that becomes Governor General of Canada.

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