Ignatieff Heartbroken Over U.S. Hockey Team’s Loss

VANCOUVER (SBP) – Michael Ignatieff sat in his seat, stunned, while thousands of people cheered around him. Beer, popcorn, and ticker tape rained down. Everyone had witnessed an historic moment that will be retold for generations. But there was no joy for Micheal. In one fell swoop, the heart that had supported his adopted country had been broken and, at the time of the overtime goal, was seemingly beyond repair.

“I have no words to describe my feelings right now,” said Liberal leader Ignatieff, fighting back tears after the USA lost to Canada 3-2 in overtime, “I have been supporting this team for the majority of my life. This was supposed to be the moment when the rise of the oceans would slow and the earth would begin to heal.”

This would be the second time in a week that Ignatieff would feel such heartbreak at the hands of the Canadian Men’s Olympic Hockey Team. Ignatieff, who is also proudly of Russian descent, watched his second favourite team get routed 7-3 by the Canadians in a quarter final game.

“Watching Mother Russia get embarrassed like that was hard to take,” said Ignatieff as he looked down his nose at all the reporters, “I don’t expect any of you to comprehend the depth of despair. It is far too complex and enlightened for you. None of you – none! – can understand what I and my comrades felt when Team Canada peppered my brethren with 4 first period goals.”

Earlier in the week, Ignatieff had been optimistic of his favourite team’s chances. During the round robin, when the USA beat Canada 5-3, the Liberal Leader had been rather brazen with his optimism.

“Team Canada,” challenged Ignatieff, “Your time is up!”

It turned out to be a rallying cry for the Canadian team as they would not lose again for the rest of the tournament. Team Canada eventually won the Gold medal in overtime on a goal by Sydney Crosby.

“This is greatest moment in Canadian hockey history!” cheered a fan dressed in Canadian colours, “And, all it took was an American leader of a Canadian political party to be the catalyst for this great run.

“Thank you, Michael Ignatieff!”

Ignatieff would stay in his seat for hours after the game, sullen and introspective. When the lights eventually turned out on Canada Hockey place, he quietly got up and walked down the concourse. His USA hockey jersey, though stained with beer and nacho cheese dip, was still adorned proudly as he walked back to his 4-star hotel.

“Though beer is spattered on my red, white and blue jersey; though nacho cheese spatters Her Stars and Stripes; you will see these colours do not run,” said a glassy-eyed Ignatieff, filled with emotional, patriotic pride, “These colours….do not run.”