New National Anthem To Include Gay Rights

OTTAWA (SBP) – In an effort to make amends for an oversight in an immigration pamphlet, the minority Conservative Government made an announcement that a line in the national anthem was going to be changed from “in all thy sons command” to “in all gay rights command”. The announcement came during the throne speech, which also unveiled the federal budget.

“There,” said Immigration Minister Jason Kenney as he dusted off his hands, “That ought to call off the attack dogs and solve the issue for once and for all.”

Kenney came under fire the previous week for excluding mentioning gay rights in an orientation pamphlet meant for immigrants. While Kenney’s track record is consistently against the issue, he did say that the exclusion in the pamphlet was merely an oversight.

“Really, it was an oversight,” said Kenney, “No. Really. It was! Yes, I did vote against all kinds of gay legislation but this one was really an oversight. Really! Yes, really!”

Special interest groups both praised and condemned the alteration to the anthem. Many groups considered the move both wonderfully inclusive and exclusive at the same time.

“While we are pleased that gays get special recognition in the anthem,” said one organization, “Our specific ethnicity was not included. Therefore, that means the Harper government is just plain racist as opposed to racist and anti-gay.”

Members of the media were more accommodating to the anthem change.

“This is clearly an attempt by the Harper government to oppress minorities and set up Nazi-style concentration camps in every city of every province and territory,” said a CBC reporter, “The change to the anthem frightens me and we’ll be sure to drag this sensational story out over a period of weeks.”

Upon hearing the complaints from all specific non-gay interest groups, the Harper government has started a royal commission to investigate the matter. The royal commission will seek advice on how to change the line from the anthem to specifically include every race, religion, creed and colour.

“Sure, that single line in the anthem may take 15 to 20 minutes to sing now,” said Prime Minister Harper, “But, it will be worth it as every single Canadian will feel special and included.”