NORTH ATLANTIC ICE SHELF (SBP) – In the most shocking, most sensational turn of events in the past decade, golf superstar Tiger Woods admitted to having sex with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. The latest extra marital affair for Woods was committed on a global warming induced melting ice burg that used to be the home of a cuddly polar bear. The news comes just before Woods was to return to the PGA Tour and, for no reason, the ice burg was shaped like a circumsized penis.

Paparazzi, who stalked the couple with tugboats, submarines and helicopters, caught the secret rendezvous after many weeks of speculation. Many of the hundreds of photos show Woods in an embrace with Palin while a forlorn, homeless polar bear swims nearby. Burrowing Owls were nowhere to be found near the scene and were assumed to have drowned in the perpetually rising ocean.

“This is like the sun exploding for all the legitimate news networks,” said a TMZ photo journalist, “There is nothing – and I mean nothing – more important to the future of the United States – nay, the World! – than a story involving Tiger Woods and Sarah Palin.”

The photographers words rang true. The news of the celebrity copulation dwarfed coverage of the Middle East conflict and virtually erased news of Obama’s health care bill.

“While we love Obama to death,” said an MSNBC reporter, “His historic health care bill just doesn’t compare to the Tiger Woods story. We’re really sorry, Mr. President, and we will make it up to you at a later date when some celebrity isn’t caught up in a sex scandal.”

A sombre, humiliated Woods will be having a post coital press conference in order to deliver a well choreographed apology. The apology will appear on all networks and will likely pre-empt Obama’s announcement of the historic health care bill.

“We will have enshrined, when I sign this bill into…what?” said Obama, pausing as an adviser whispered in his ear, “Tiger did what? With who? Where? Yes, I guess we can wait until his press conference is over.”

Obama then tapped impatiently on the table while the press corps evacuated the building in order to cover the Woods/Palin story.

“We have a responsibility to report relevant news,” said one New York Times reporter as she hopped on a plane to fly to the North Atlantic ice shelf to cover the Woods story, “We make no apologies for being responsible.

“And, this has nothing to do with our declining readership and ad revenue.”

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