OTTAWA (SBP) — Communicating from a bunker in her parent’s basement, former Parliamentary Page, Precious Snowflake, reassured all her supporters that she is still alive and well for the time being. But, she warns, she will likely face some sort of capital punishment — including “death and worse” — from the government if she is found. This, coming days after Snowflake held up a sign during the throne speech to “Stop Democracy”.

“I, um, want to let, um, everyone know that, you know, that I, like, am doing fine and am okay and well.” said Snowflake from a web cam on an easily traceable computer, “I have yet to be killed by Stephen Harper and junk or whatever whatever. Please keep up the, you know, efforts to, like, Arab spring and whatever and stuff.”

Snowflake, who holds a Bachelor of Indoctrination at the University or Ottawa, has been in hiding since her publicity stunt to promote her stage play, “Look At Me, Me, Me, and…ME!” The pre-production play is an autobiographic account of an idealistic parliamentary page who casts off her oppressors after being asked to work at her prestigious job. The play ends tragically as the page is brutally murdered by a democratically elected dictator named Steven Harpar and the whole world descends into darkness.

“I believe that, you know, art can intimidate life,” explained Snowflake, “And, we that we all need to fear people who don’t believe as we do. And, you know, like, they are dictators and will kill us like Harper destroys and kills. So, basically, Arab spring, oppression, environment, corporations, tar sands, and whatever and junk.”

The Canadian press was quick to rush to the defence of Snowflake and have kept a death watch over the young, idealistic mooncalf.

“Such bravery. Such majesty! She is Canada’s Rosa Parks. This is Canada’s D-day times ten.” said a CBC reporter, “Snowflake is a brave hero in these scary, terrifying, and devastating times since the federal election. She stood proud against a dictator who was wrongly elected in a fair and democratic process.”

Continued the CBC reporter: “Canadians don’t realise we live in an enlightened, progressive, socialist country. Snowflake reminds us that we should cancel the election outcome and keep redoing the process until we get our desired result. And, if people keep voting the wrong way, maybe we need an Arab Spring to, you know, ‘take care’ of them.

“Canada will remain a scary, scary place until people like us get our way.”

Despite her parent’s address being easily accessible in the phone book, Snowflake has yet to be tracked down, tortured and/or killed by the Canadian government. In the mean time, Snowflake does ask that everyone ask the universe to protect her and to send her sufficient amounts of weed.

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