OTTAWA (SBP) — “The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round…” sang the federal NDP’s newest Members of Parliament as their school bus pulled up to the Parliament buildings for the first time. They could barely contain their excitement and, many times, the beleaguered driver had to pull the bus over to tell them to sit down like good little boys and girls.

Such are the new challenges facing federal NDP leader, Jack Layton.

“Mr. Harper, your time is…HEY!” said Layton as he was interrupted by a wet willie from one of his MPs, “And who drew all over my notes? Everyone, we are NOT going into the Parliament buildings until someone tells me who drew stick men all over my notes!”

The outburst made several of his caucus duck their heads behind their seats. A few started crying. Layton then started counting to three before one of them came forward and confessed.

These are the growing pains of the federal NDP. Having run in many ridings simply to collect the voting subsidy, the party had no clue that it’s “pylon” candidates — essentially place holders — would win the day. Now, the party is in a position where it needs the help of nannies, babysitters and other types of caregivers in the house of commons because the maintenance of these new MPs is just too demanding.

“Mr. Speaker, I beg of you,” said a weary Layton during his first address in Question Period, “My party — nay, ALL parties — need a universal child care bill passed specifically for the House of Commons. I can’t be changing diapers while responding to the Prime Minister. And, you can’t possibly expect me to keep decorum when my chair is being kicked from behind by this little bast…er, my esteemed colleague who sits behind me.”

Layton then turned and yelled at his own back benchers who were busy singing “This is the song that has no end”.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Speaker,” Layton said after he composed himself, “As you can see, I’m going on very little sleep. They wake at all hours of the night and it’s burp this one, change that one, feed this one! I…I just can’t do this!

“At one time, all I ever wanted was to be Prime Minister. Now, all I want is funding so someone can wipe my own MPs noses, faces and buttocks. And to get them to STOP PICKING THEIR NOSES!”

Layton then broke down and wept. No bill for the daycare funding was introduced and, therefore, not passed.

After the session, Layton’s publicist explained that Mr. Layton was under a lot of stress and badly needed a massage. All members of Parliament have sent in their well wishes and hoped Layton’s situation would have a happy ending.

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