Public Urges Mosquitoes To Unionize, Go On Strike

STAGNANT WATER (SBP) — With a very wet spring and abundant breeding conditions for mosquitoes, Saskatchewan residents are lobbying the blood sucking insects to become a certified union, join their public servant brethren, and immediately go on strike. The desperate plea by residents is a secret attempt to lessen an immanent plague.

“We felt that, in order for citizens to get a chance to enjoy the many breathtaking lakes and parks in Saskatchewan, we had to speak to the mosquitoes in a language they would understand.” said negotiator Gurn Blahovich, “In essence, we had to offer them something that would be in keeping with their nature.”

That was when Blahovich thought of proposing the mosquitoes vote for certification.

“It would make sense for mosquitoes to unionize as they are blood sucking parasites who annoy and, ultimately, weaken their host,” said Blahovich, “It is a natural fit.”

Mosquitoes, who are currently non-unionized, are tireless and efficient insects. Their one goal of collecting protein from their hosts in order to reproduce is a relentless pursuit without benefits, coffee breaks or even a pension. While the job is fraught with danger and tens of millions of deaths occur each year from being squashed to being eaten by predators, there are no dental, medical, or even vacation benefits.

“What the humans showed us was a real eye opener and showed me what a thankless job I have right now,” said an Aedes dorsalis, one of the most common types of mosquitoes in Saskatchewan, “I mean, I didn’t stop to think about how, if a swarm of us bitched and complained about how hard we have it, the blood would flow to us without even having to fly out to get it. Something called a ‘government’ would do it all for us.

“And, since, from what I’m told, we have a terrible ‘government’ in place that is evil and out to destroy the province, we should be confrontational and withhold our valuable services from the stupid, idiotic public.”

While certification for the mosquitoes seems to work on paper, there are possible rifts, however, not only between the various species, but a gender split exists as well.

“It’s us females who do all the blood collecting, and risking our lives. We bust our thoraxes!” said an embittered Culex Tarsalis, the infamous west nile carrying mosquito, “The males? Oh they just hang out in the tall grass, sipping on plant juices while waiting for us to come to them so they can mate with us. That’s all they do!

“It’s like they are unionized already.”

Should the mosquitoes become a union, they are expected to immediately make impossibly high demands, run a media scare campaign, and, finally, take strike action. It is unlikely that the provincial government will legislate the mosquitoes back to work or declare them an essential service. However, it is likely the provincial government will stall contract negotiations until the first frost happens in October.

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