Ignatieff Heartbroken Over U.S. Hockey Team’s Loss |
VANCOUVER (SBP) – Michael Ignatieff sat in his seat, stunned, while thousands of people cheered around him. Beer, popcorn, and ticker tape rained down. Everyone had witnessed an historic moment that will be retold for generations. But there was no joy for Micheal. In one fell swoop, the heart that had supported his adopted country had been broken and, at the time of the overtime goal, was seemingly beyond repair. Full Story »
“Canadian-Type” of Broadcaster Airs Porn Flick During Men’s Gold Medal Hockey Game |
TORONTO (SBP) – In an attempt to offset the ratings ass-kicking they’ve received the past two weeks, the “Canadian-Type” of Broadcasting Corporation decided to go for broke on Sunday afternoon by showing a pornographic made-for-TV special. The special, entitled “The Beach Moaners” aired in the same time slot as the men’s Olympic Gold medal game between Canada and the USA. Full Story »
Jack Layton Briefly Resigns Over On Camera Shoving Match |
TORONTO (SBP) – After shoving a woman out of the way to mug in front of a TV camera, Jack Layton did the honourable thing and briefly resigned his post as leader of the federal NDP. Layton’s discretion occurred on live TV at a popular Toronto sports bar during the men’s gold medal hockey game. Full Story »
Newfoundland Premier Promotes “Animal Farm” Style Health Care |
MIAMI (SBP) – After using his own personal fortune to purchase efficient, expensive and expedient health care in the United States, Newfoundland Premier Danny Williams held a post-op press conference to extoll the virtues of Canadian “Animal Farm” style medicare. Premier Williams, an independently wealthy man, spoke from the world class Mount Sinai Medical Center in Miami where his heart surgery was an unmitigated success. Full Story »
Effin University to Become Effin Casino |
REGINA (SBP) – In order to offset budget shortfalls due to corruption and subsequent funding cuts, the Effin University of Canada is set to be converted into an Effin Casino. While the education portion of the Effin University will remain intact, the priorities of what to teach will change in order to accommodate the facility’s new direction. Full Story »
2010 Olympic Games to be Replayed Entirely In French |
VANCOUVER (SBP) – In the wake of criticism of the limited use of french in the opening ceremonies of the 2010 Olympic Winter Games, the Canadian Government announced that they will be securing funding to replay the event entirely in french. The additional 2 weeks of a separate french-only Olympic competition is unprecedented in the history of the event. The move is meant to serve as an olive branch of appeasement to Quebec nationalists who have never, ever shat on anything relating to Canada in the past. Full Story »
Coldest Winter in 15 years, Global Warming |
SOMEWHERE COLD (SBP) – The debate is over. The science is in. Thousands of climatologists around the country have a consensus that this winter in Canada will likely be the coldest in 15 years, Global Warming. Lower than normal temperatures recorded over the Pacific Ocean will likely cause the entire country to be blanketed in snow well before Christmas, Global Warming. Full Story »
Mulroney To Get Head Start On Prison Memoirs |
MONREAL (SBP) – With his second scandal in as many decades, sources say that former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney commenced writing a sequel to the personal memoirs he released earlier this year. The new book, “Brian Mulroney: Life in Cell Block A, 1993-2011” is promising to be a prophetic vision of things to come for the 18th Prime Minister of Canada. Full Story »
“Star-Type” Of Toronto Newspaper Almost Makes Positive Comment About CFL |
TORONTO (SBP) – One of Toronto’s main newspapers was almost fined by the city during Grey Cup week when it made a comment that could be interpreted as “positive” about the Canadian Football League. A “Star-type” of Toronto publication, a cheap, tabloid-style newspaper with an unapologetic agenda of bringing the NFL to Toronto, nearly violated the city’s strict law of bashing the faster, more exciting brand of football when the newspaper referred to the Grey Cup as being “sold out”. Full Story »
Burris To Quarterback CFL On CBC Panel At Grey Cup |
TORONTO (SBP) – Calgary Stampeder quarterback Henry Burris has been named the starting quarterback for the CFL on CBC football panel for the Grey Cup. Burris, who is the most valuable non-playoff player in the league right now, will be joining Daved Benefield, Greg Frers and Khari Jones, along with play-by-play man Mark Lee to watch the Not-The-Stampeders play the Winnipeg Blue Bombers in the 95th Grey Cup game.